Do avoidants reconcile reddit. but in the case that they do, you might as well try.
Do avoidants reconcile reddit Many people here on Reddit claim the dumper feels pain too, but I think some avoidants-especially if they have a disorganized attachment style (FA with tendency to use DA strategies to breakup- are able to deactivate and devalue as easily as flicking off a switch, then move on rather quickly, so they don't feel much And the friends I've met who have dated avoidants have all said the same thing; that when deactivation occurred, they would be so brutal about it. He uses it to protect his vulnerable Fearful Avoidant (well, basically they seak intimacy and independence in same time, which does not make sense for rational person, for them either actually) and Dismissive Avoidant (values Avoidants do experience the full spectrum of emotions, from joy to sadness, just like anyone else. I felt like we could reconcile after our big talk We were apart a month, he slept with someone else, deeply regretted it, and we tried to reconcile then. Please respect our space Avoidant and anxious attachment are two sides of the same coin. He had broken up with me, but he came back after a few days and I forgave him and we reconciled, only A while ago I read either here or on a related sub a comment about how avoidants (or perhaps it was specifically FAs?) might say something and actually mean it (that they will do something or that they feel something) but in the end it won't materialize because the feelings they had when they said that won't be accessible anymore, so they will actually change. Hmm I am not sure that avoidant attached people move on that quick! I think they are just better at burying their feelings, temporarily, but then the pain erupts eventually. I'm sorry but this whole situation just makes me want to say Fuk all avoidants, I just got my world destroyed and my mental health shattered to the point of a suicide attempt when my avoidant narcissistic BPD, whatever the hell she is ex gf blindsided me and stonewalled me, because I had a panic attack and blew up her phone 1 night when she Then for about 3 weeks (if they were more anxious) to about 4-5 weeks (if they were a tad more avoidant) they will do things and like their new found freedom. If they do reach out make sure its 1. Psychologists and coaches agree that avoidant people start to feel that the relationship is over 2-3 months after Avoidant discard over a year ago, I've been revisted once and still to this day get indirect communication from her (I do question as to whether I'm a phantom ex). It can take avoidants a longer time to process break ups in friendships or relationships. Of course you’ll view it that way. nothing against them, but according to friends who have dated them, they tend to tolerate a lot of if a man is good with their kid (my ex was amazing with kids). Intermittent reinforcement will cause intense anxiety in most people (and animals). But beneath that fearful behavior lies a deeper meaning. Another thing was the thing he would do like flirting with others or not taking our boundaries seriously. How do you feel differently as a relationship progresses vs the earlier/dating phase (say past the 2-3 year mark or so)? It is very frustrating. . ) To all FA/DA, what to do you feel if your secure-anxious ex reaches out to you? 3. Or have parents who give them a landing pad so they don’t really need anyone and they don’t have to work their relationship with anyone cause they have mommy and daddy to run back to. It takes a lot of work and time. Do DA's rebound fast? Was just in discussion with a friend. Unless they're very aware of themselves, and you both are mutually invested in working through the anxious-avoidant trap, it likely won't end up the way you want it to. I'm AA and I initiated a breakup with my DA ex-boyfriend a month ago (see my post history). The difference lies in their processing and expression. View community ranking In the Top 1% of largest communities on Reddit. Both have a fears in connection but both want connection. But the question is, do you want them to? Even if part of you does, do you really think it will end well? I also think I was pretty avoidant in my teens and 20s due to dysfunctional family dynamics (my whole family is pretty avoidant) but dated people who were secure and made me feel comfortable. As an avoidant she refuses to consider marriage counseling. Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now To answer your question go date someone secure and someone who can give you what you want from a relationship avoidants can’t do it no matter how hard they try. Only a self absorbed coward abandons children or “blindsides” someone when that someone has given their heart. My fearful avoidant ex of 5 years reached out 3 times and each time we tried again and each time it was the same pattern. We’re happy to give you feedback as long as 1. just know that a lot of the times when avoidants break up with you it is off impulse not a sought out rational decision. Both our relationships ended and within weeks these DA's were in new and seemingly committed relationships! There are levels to how avoidant or even anxious some folks are. They know all the pretty little words that will get your heart aching to be with them again but nothing fundamentally changes. They can feel as if you're asking them to change themselves by communicating your needs. I was hoping my recent ex would respond or look to reconcile, but now I can really do without them. Without knowing anything about what I do, to show up. I miss her No, I don't think experiencing this means your attachment style is AP. This is the hallmark of the avoidant. Any input would be It’s sad, but a secure person cannot do much, the avoidant will shut down when feeling threatened (intimacy) and the anxious will become ever more anxious. You are thinking about this like a text book life isn’t black and A space for people who struggle with an anxious attachment style to learn more about it (so as to get on the path of healing), share experiences of their healing journey, find support while healing, and give tips and feedback for discovering healthier coping mechanisms, and overall feeling more secure within yourself (and with others). If you guy to the avoidant sub and read the posts about them post breakup, most all of them state that they will not come back and simply move on. O. Do you want to continue to go through this over and over? This is just my personal observations but avoidants do not always leave. In some sick way, I Avoidants tend to be motivated by fear and triggers; whereas convert Narcs are motivated by that, as well as entitlement. But, it's not worth the hassle. but in the case that they do, you might as well try. Which means I can be anxious & avoidant. I gave my avoidant ex (she dumped me the first go-around) a second try. My question is do Dismissive Avoidants ever express their happiness with a relationship directly to the person or does it depend based on the other person’s attachment style? I. if we truly never want to hear from your ass again we can just block your number. Do avoidants change after therapy ? First i think any avoidant who seeks therapy has already changed as its a huge step in the opposite direction of avoidance! And second I think people change only if they want to. I remember the suffocation, the panic, the self hate To keep this a safe space for avoidant attachers, this subreddit is strictly moderated. Or check it out in the app stores TOPICS. g. Or check it out in the app stores Do avoidants have super powers to predict the behaviors and mind read others? Jeez. " honestly sometimes they probably never want to be contacted again. Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating to ensure this subreddit remains on topic. So if you do reconcile, they need to be doing the work or the pattern will just repeat itself. I dated an avoidant, I showed them the outmost of empathy and love and understanding, took shit from them that I wouldn’t have, I tried to explain, I got dumped without a reason suddenly. Leave them alone do nothing, with time they may center and calm down which could cause them to come back but you have to ask yourself. e. I’ve been asking this question for awhile and majority of the time from my experience fearful avoidants do come back but it’s a small chance you just have to let things run it’s course Every relationship and every person is different, but based on my experience and from what I’m reading on Reddit, this is what usually happens. However, I do talk about how difficult I find relationships and other aspects. Do not think you were not important enough or they don't care. Now that was the problem. During one argument surrounding “what are we,” he blew up on me, said he was done and we didn’t talk for weeks. Also, do not have any expectations for happily ever after, try to appreciate it for the moment, day, and if they say or do something unacceptable, enforce your boundaries in a clear way. I wonder if you usually move on quickly after the break up, or you still think or miss your ex and regret breaking up with them? I’m just trying to understand how avoidants are after a break up. The reality is that if I told them they were avoidant, the person would probably deny it and push me away. Things that promote connection with other friends e. Hey everyone. mine left me for a single mom. Dumpees grow in spite of avoidant dumpers, not because of them, and no amount of rationalization can alter that reality. I broke up with him, and in 3 months when I was already over him and started dating somebody new (also an avoidant lol) he texted me that he wanted to talk, get to know how I was doing, etc. Research suggests that avoidants tend to suppress their We're not the best at frequent dates or contact and will use a busy work schedule as an excuse, but we're not flakey and consistancy is super important. Your mentioning the "on off" switch of avoidant dumpers is spot-on. The closeness etc. Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. Context: my avoidant partner broke up with me because (I assume) that she was very overwhelmed with her emotions and feelings and she couldn't communicate. I will say, fearful avoidants are more likely to reach out than dismissive avoidants. . To ease the pain of the coldness, distancing, stonewalling, detachment and Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. I learned how to do it by my dad who has a PHD in avoidance. I had no idea what an avoidant was til my ex dropped me off a cliff. (Comfortably being the important part) Just like AA will demand to be in constant communication until they feel work on being more secure. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R. I haven’t seen an avoidant who didn’t have money or was established somehow. And I think it's important to place the terms unaware and unhealed in these breakdowns of characteristics/traits. ADMIN MOD How do I reconcile a friendship with an avoidant friend? Romance/Relationships I'm hoping to get some good advice from the Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. Yes. Do you want to be messaged/reconcile after emotions have settled? I'm thinking of doing so when the timing is right. What makes anyone change? They have to be ready on their own terms. A lot of them feel relieved when the relationship ends, move on quickly, and have no desire or feelings to come back. You have to remember that he From what I've seen online, the whole thing about avoidants is that they avoid everything. " Non-avoidant participation is limited and enforced. Or check it out in the app stores Also others who have been in LTRs with avoidants. " My ex was more avoidant in his attachment style than I was. Do Avoidants regret it? I was in a 8 month situationship with a guy and we were on and off because of his avoidance issues. Anyhow I now have my PhD on Avoidants and I pray that I never take her sorry ass back. Part of me hopes that my ex and I can reconcile like this because I believe we can have a beautiful relationship with the growth we needed to do. Additionally, avoidants do exhibit narcissistic traits, and that’s not a demonization, but an observation and an opportunity to do something about it. The FA tends to leave a relationship because of their need for independence, so There's a long list of things an avoidant can do to avoid or minimize the harm they do. Avoidants use like you being 10 lbs over weight as a reason to not continue. So chances are, Yes, avoidant do have regrets. It had to do with my childhood trauma, codependency and all those fun things. (There’s a post about this on the secure relationship account on IG). And even in the off chance we did we pursue something for a longer period, I would be miserable in the long run. If they do, they are most likely more FA leaning AP in that moment. Sometimes they do but the right person for them will stick around comfortably while they grow and learn. You add your attachment type flair (or include it first thing in the post so the mods can do it for you), and 2. It may take many months or even years for him to reach out to you. Welcome to AskWomenOver30, an inclusive Reddit community where people can ask question to and discuss topics with women over the age of 30. Then he messages some days after and we reconcile. You seem to keep ignoring when others offer a different perspective about avoidants that doesn't correlate with what you've seen. DA’s are more literal in their dismissiveness. Some Avoidants can want to change and do so. They move on quick because they had one foot out the door the whole time. They never do well in the face of unfamiliarity which also makes sense why they cycle back to their ex’s due to familiarity. But like whales, avoidants also need to come up for air and socialize, or we get lonely. sharing a poem, a song, a podcast etc that I think they might like is either ignored or responded to minimally by the person in question, even though they've said they value our friendship. The few self-aware avoidants who I look up to continue to do so, and the overwhelming majority of avoidant people I know do not come anywhere close to being able to understand it. I thrive on close relationships, in my ideal relationship I would be very close to my husband and constantly checking in on each others feelings and apologizing for hurt feelings after fights etc. Avoidants tend to do the push/pull As someone with avoidant traits in the last relationship I can tell you 100% it is not personal. I wish them Check freetoattach. In that response, is the problem. to me, with people that aren't avoidant-dismissive, relating to them seems like it so all or nothing compared to how i prefer to relate to I have spent years working on myself, and I still feel like a slave to my avoidant tendencies. He has always been avoidant, but in our initial relationship he would try to reconcile with me after arguments. The problem is xmas break so we had to stay away for three weeks after this bad situation. When you matter to an avoidant they are consistant and will do everything they can to keep the dates they make with you. " Most insecure attachers do in fact have traits of a cluster b, if not an actual personality disorder, so I consider insecure attachers to be PD Lite. We both had DA partners who acted extremely avoidant with all the usual behavioural traits for quite some time, leaving us frustrated. It’s been 3 months since the breakup and a month of Nc that I asked for. All are welcome, please read and abide by the rules in our sidebar. if the person is Secure, etc. In Usually, an avoidant is convinced he’s not good enough, which leads him to believe he doesn’t deserve to be loved by anyone. One of you will be stronger in avoidant attachment, and the other will get edged towards anxious attachment. The A/P <-> D/A thing is a marriage made in hell. honestly yes. Many avoidants just want room to breathe, like a whale swimming under the water. They need help, but it's up to them to do that ,when they are ready to do it for themselves, not for anyone else. We did not have any problems, 18 months, three kids, one hers, two mine all having a great time. After all the research I've done over the last year and my own I broke things off with my avoidant the first time he shut down, because in the past I’ve always given the benefit of a doubt to people who’ve Reciprocally, avoidants think of the self as good and the other as bad. Nothing anyone else can do. recognizing when someone is sad and The truth is often they don’t know what they want until they do, and then they treat it like it’s been that way all along and “how dare” anyone else especially their S. Avoidant’s just respond different to uncertainty, that’s all. This is MY problem not theirs. You 100% have to be willing to put yourself first. they took the time and actually started to do the work to heal and can actually show you that. The kicker is feeling do come back for many and depending how things ended they will come back if conditions are right and non threatening. They avoid their feelings, they avoid communication, they avoid accountability. Avoidants self protect by keeping distance so they don’t get so easily hurt and anxious people try to pull partners closer so they don’t hurt. It was all so I have a friend who I am 99. ) Are you going to feel more disgust? Is reaching out and reconcile the good thing to do or just let go? 4. when they do Cope it usually isn’t until weeks or months later when they actually start to feel Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. say different. Only a narcissist/ avoidant/sociopath would do something like that you dont even know THE DAMAGE YOU DO, you can totally destroy somebody’s life but of course you Avoidants move on quick not because they don’t grieve. Not sure why this is popping up on my Reddit now, but I want to say thank you for being honest about your attachment patterns, which were very similar to mine in my 20s. 9% sure is Dismissive Avoidant, I am Anxious Preoccupied but working towards becoming Secure. I was doing OK for a week or so, but have been a complete mess for most of the past month -- crying most days, distraught, constantly ruminating, etc. And to be, the best version of me. I have read that these all seem to be correlated with avoidant behavior. Some whales can hold their breathe for almost 4 HOURS, which seems insane for a human to do. Actually. Often times, a truly anxious person with a truly avoidant leaning person will absolutely exacerbate all of the worst qualities in each other. With FA’s once their nervous system has calmed down and they’ve regulated, they will start to miss you. Honestly, if your ex is truly an avoidant it is in your best interest to move on permanently. " As the title says. Or check it out in the app stores Do avoidants who discard ever realize their mistake? If you want to reconcile after a lot of time has passed, you would have to be the one reaching out, but hopefully you realize your self-worth through reflection and rather invest Yes. Bottom line - she may have saved your life by leaving. ) Is it ok to tell your FA/DA ex about his attachment issues? It’s an endless and exhausting cycle they do with every relationship or post breakup friendship. The reason why I know this, is because I do it myself. 2. I know what you mean and the poem was probably an example of a bigger pattern. They do not understand the pain they cause. It has nothing to do with you, this is a coping mechanism they learnt early on to protect themselves. This community group aims to share their experiences with their avoidant exes and to create a better understanding why avoidant ex partners manifest such painful behaviours. The best way to reconcile with an avoidant ex, more often than not, is to move on completely. Fearful avoidants can attach with each other TL;DR: As an avoidant, I was only able to change after I dated someone even MORE avoidant than I was. Not all avoidants are selfish horrible people. If an avoidant has to cancel they will make up for it. While we were in a committed relationship, I thought we were secure. You don’t ask us to read anyone’s mind. Same for any insecurely attached person or anything affecting someone’s life like being an alcoholic. ) Should I Reach out to my avoidant ex? 2. causes them to freak out internally which causes them to run. I have had the same with an avoidant person I know. No partner wants to hear that every day their partner questions the relationship! That would make them insecure. It doesn’t work like - oh we’re both avoidants so we can get along like similar interests. com , it's all about avoidants. This is beautiful. I learned that the hard way. Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. Doesn't sound like your ex was that type. for the right reasons and 2. A space for people who struggle with an anxious attachment style to learn more about it (so as to get on the path of healing), share experiences of their healing journey, find support while healing, and give tips and feedback for discovering healthier coping mechanisms, and overall feeling more secure within yourself (and with others). So I understand very well, both side sides of the spectrum. She was great at first and slowly backed away. But I couldn't get over the girl he slept with, and still didn't understand attachment so I couldn't make sense of anything. Internet Culture (Viral) but avoidants really do cause damage to a lot of people if they aren’t getting support or working on themselves I have dated a few pretty difficult avoidants, it was genuinely a mentally exhausting You’re welcome to post on the Ask Avoidants threads. Avoidants hurt people and have no right dating anyone who is not avaoidant Need help in trying to reconcile with a fearful avoidant ex🙌🏾 So long story short, She was a complete stranger whom I met at a restaurant. I myself am FA and I don't participate in a lot of the behaviors people say I do talk about my attachment but not all the time. He definitely missed me after I was out of reach and left him for good. " It takes years of intense therapy for an Avoidant to heal and many ghost the therapist because it's so damn hard. Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. You have to be willing to do the work too, a relationship with an Avoidant is hard, especially if you have your own attachment issues. They don't because those things would be at their own expense in some capacity, and avoidants are deeply selfish people. I somehow tracked her down realised she was a trainer, got myself a membership at her gym and established myself over there. Yet. Have a look at "is it me" section, there's loads about dating, relationships and breakups in there. but the other person has to be willing to let them do whatever. God forbid everyone is getting closer with each passing month. “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. So, two true avoidants wouldn’t “attach” and form a romantic connection. There are a couple of subs here as well, such as avoidant attachment, dismissive avoidants, attachment theory etc. For those who do not have an avoidant attachment style looking for answers, there is a wealth of information for you available by keyword searching "FAQ. You could be Secure, FA, AP, or even mildly avoidant. The slow withdrawal is extremely hurtful and makes you analyze everything you as a partner are doing. There are two a week - one on the DA sub and one on the general Avoidants sub. The last 1 1/2 months of our relationship we had some fights, most of them bc I called out his hot and cold behaviour and some other "avoidant stuff". (Yet from the short time I've been on Reddit, it seems as APs get a bad rep). I do not know how to teach them. A lot of avoidants come back to try again, repeatedly. So I know some of you are avoidants here and might have experienced calling off a relationship because of your fear(s). and difficult to reconcile with oneself when Avoidants are tough because their coping mechanisms are very good at suppressing, re-suppressing, rationalizing, avoiding reconciliation, and moving onto a rebound relationship. Rhetorical or not, this question is also pretty rude - is this an FAQ or just an opportunity to throw dirt in the faces of lost, heartbroken people looking for Be direct, not critical or judgmental, and think of your own needs/wants. Avoidant people are impulsive, and often base some big life decisions on these spontaneous impulses. But this can take them quite some time. To keep this a safe space for avoidant attachers, this subreddit is strictly moderated. Not all relationships with avoidants follow that dynamic, but many do. It’s the holidays, it can trigger the avoidants to react. I’ve been debating on ending that soon, but I have no idea where she is at in her journey. I’m a FA. Please respect our space. This is why avoidants should be considered cluster B and not attachment. There are several factors in this all at once: because the avoidant's sense of self worth is externally oriented, they tend to identify themselves with what they do or don't do or how they do something (along with successes, achievements, etc). You meet a lot of avoidants on this sub reddit who are humble, growing, wonderful people. Can a avoidant abandon their children & family? Yes and they do it. Now my questions are: 1. During the break he acted normal again so I was starting to feel better and also actively keeping my promises. A few years ago I broke up with an avoidant after years of a tumultuous push-pull relationship. Hi. I love my wife - she loves me - but the intimacy problems push/pull drive us both nuts. Check out Personal Development School on YouTube . rnqirtxxhwzfwdagxnmvlcrjftgnohmwvyyzjgrobtwknucrgcwfotyetldwxupmlqjltjn